[useyourillusion]

Within reach.

2008-10-27T19:44:00.000+07:00

My dedication:
With both of you in mind, neither here nor there, you both stand on equal grounds in my heart, never fading, never doubting, ever near.

Within reach.

i'm waiting under the cool shade of a tree, watching the sun's rays just out of reach.
I look around...
Down... at my bare feet with the grass pushing through between my toes. At my wrist, the star : my father in red. I move my finger over it the same way he used to move his down my nose. I'd be able to smell his own concoction of Marlboro's and aftershave, I realize now how much the smallest gestures stay with you.

Up... at the leaves that seem to be almost bursting with green. Swaying slightly with the breeze; unlike my hair... my hair whips about against the persuasions of the wind like a child's wrist, stubbornly twisting and turning in her parent's protective grasp.

Left.... resting my lips on my upper arm as i turn to look over my shoulder at the bright yellows and fluorescent greens reflected up at me from the sun-warmed grass.

My legs are tattooed with red and white marks from the roots I'm sitting on. You know the type - they hurt more when I lifted myself off the roots, than they did when I was still resting on them.

I'm standing up now, leaning on the broad body of the tree whilst stumbling and slipping slightly on the same roots who's marks are still on my thighs. Damn these roots, why won't they stay put underground?
In an absentminded and childlike manner, I brush the torn grass and dirt from my skirt as I'm staring off at the line I see.

Its strange, I can see exactly where the sun's rays stop. Its like someone is holding up a yellow film under the sun and moving ever so slowly across the meadow, staining the color of the grass below.

I touch my arm with my right hand. It's that strange sensation of a warm hand on your arm, while simultaneously feeling cold skin with that very same hand. Either way, I decided I needed to warm up, I needed to step up and out from under my tree.

With each step, the roots disappear into soft grass and soil. With each step, my body loses some of the cold. I turn around, my big, green, giant is still with me.. watching my steps like my dad's hands on the back of my bicycle that one night we decided to take the training wheels off.

I gather my hair to one side and pull it down over my shoulder.. There's no one around, but I still make the effort of pulling out the little strands of grass and leaves from my tangle of hair. I notice that my arm doesn't feel as cold anymore, when my hand brushed past it.

I find my sandals, the ones i kicked off when I was running towards that shade earlier this morning. As I pick them up I turn again, to see my sanctuary. It looks a little smaller at this distance, but I can still see it's leaves swaying, waving at me... like my mother's hand rubbing my back every night. Never stopping, never slowing, not until she was certain I had fallen asleep.

I'm coming over a hill, I'm almost at that peculiar line on the ground holding green and yellow apart. I think I see the girls.. they're laying out on the towels, no doubt soaking up the bronzing sun. I wave to them and they raise their shades at me, holding up their ice cold drinks. I make a vague delaying gesture with my hands, and slow to a stop.

Looking over my shoulder, I realize I can barely see the top of my tree. Quickly I shuffle backwards a few steps onto the hill... there it is. My giant, still looking so solid and strong. I can't see the roots from here, and the shade looks nice and cool. My head whips around towards the sun's line in the grass, and then back again at my sanctuary.

I take another step back, and set myself down on the grass... I lay back resting on my arms, and take one final glance behind me. Then I wave again to the girls with my sandals in hand, and smile as I say under my breath... "I think I'm warm enough.."

playing with fire..

2008-09-08T19:55:00.002+07:00

a moth to a flame. a fat kid to cake. whatever your analogy... i'm drawn to something : challenges.

Whether it be in love. Whether it be in conflicts or confrontations. I am person drawn to, whether negatively or positively, to challenges.

Its the curiosity of "seeing something through". Seeing how far I can push that envelope. See how much I can bend the rules. - Or break them, before someone stops me.

On the other side of this... More often than not, once I nourish my thirst for whatever challenge I'm hounding... I usually toss it aside like an old toy. I hardly stay interested past the initial intrigue. Which is why when I do, I know its worthwhile. Which is why when I do, I find it hard to disengage.

I was thinking though, after the happenings of today.... How unfortunate it is for someone who decides to play with my fire. Play.. with me. How unfortunate it would be for those who don't know this side of me. I am not one to back down first. People usually get in trouble if they don't know this. If you push me, I'll push back. If you draw a line, I will cross it.

And for someone who has something to lose, this can be dangerous. They're gambling with something, I.. am simply being entertained. I've already weighed out the risks, and I never indulge in something that may be "expensive". (at least for me)

I've said before that when someone decides to play games... they should be responsible for their own actions. It shouldn't be my fault if you've pushed yourself too far. It shouldn't be my responsibility if you find yourself "in too deep". Just as if I realize I am "doing something I shouldn't be doing", I would stop and clean up my own mess... so should they.

For example. If I'm not allergic to chocolate, I can devour as much of it as I like. However if you know this chocolate could be dangerous for you, should it be my responsibility if you should decide to join me? .... i think not.

I wonder why then... when people get burned by the fires i light, get caught in the webs that I weave.... do they then point the finger, and blame the flames?

"I am your desire. I am your favorite lick of fire." - Storm Large.

i was born this way...

2008-09-04T16:52:00.004+07:00

One of my favorite books is Delta of Venus by Anais Nin..
I'm now in the middle of Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov.. quickly situating itself amongst my favorites.

Delta of Venus was a collection of short, perverted stories. Stories of rape, perversion, voyeurism, pedophilia, fetishes, drug abuse, and everything of the hellish sort.
But this book proved to me the power and influence in words, with intent. The way she wrote these stories not only brought you into the minds of those society would deem irredeemable, but you finish each story understanding and even forgiving the fictional pedophile you had just read about.

This brings me to Lolita. The character Humbert. He is a loudly self-professed lover of young girls. He knows and admits his taste isn't an accepted or even a morally sound one, yet he is what he is.

But as you read on, you realize the cause and the story behind his obsession. Humbert fell in love at the tender age of 12. (and no, it wasn't with an infant, but a girl his same age). He had a summer fling, one of those flings that are filled with moments that linger in the eye of your mind for a lifetime. His love affair climaxed one night where the throws of their love were interrupted, as we've all experienced, by his lover's mother calling her back into the house.. It was after all, far too late for a girl that age to be out, and much too early for her to be letting a young boy fondle her. Long story short, that night Humbert experienced the most extremes of passion (for a boy his age), and was left with the feeling of something uncompleted. Untouched dreams. A cake tasted but uneaten.

Four months later, much to his devastation, Humbert learns that his little Annabel has passed away due to Malaria. (or some other illness still deadly at those times).
Anyway, to make this brief... he lives his life, still in love and impassioned by her. He grows older, but the image of the girl he loves stays the same, ageless and immortal. After reading this I really understood how (at least in this case), someone could develop this "perversion". Humbert may be in his 40's, but his love for Annabel remains.. and in my opinion, there is nothing sick about that. The wrong - as society would call it - begins when he sees a girl resembling his Annabel. Lolita.

So in short.. I was just thinking about how easy it is to become "a creep", "a pervert", or whatever names are used to describe someone like Humbert.
I began thinking about how behind every "pervert", there's a story, a reason why. Granted not all are as easily understood, or have as good of a reason as Humbert...... but some are/do.

I had a discussion a while ago with someone, about gays and criminals. (trust me, i am not one to EVER put those two words in the same sentence). About how studies show that for these people, more often than not they are born with a genetic disposition that make them "that way". Just like I was born afraid of violence, a criminal can be born with a thirst for it. Just like I was born attracted to men, gay men can too see the same attractive qualities in men that I do. (while on the subject, I believe I'm attracted to beauty, and not gender).
In this discussion, my friend was talking about how saying "i was born this way" is used as an excuse more than a reason. For example someone could, without reason, go out and kill a child and just say "i was born this way, i feel the need to kill". Basically, I think his point was.. "Why is it that for criminals we do not allow that excuse, and yet for gay people, we do".
My argument is and was that, I believe one IS an excuse because it is used with the intention of hurting people, and the other.. is simply a reason. A truth. An explanation of why one would live his life the way that he does. "I eat because I'm hungry, I dance because I'm happy, I kiss men because I find them beautiful".
Then my friend went on to say "well, criminals though born with that violent nature can be trained not to give in to those harmful desires... isn't it the same for gays?"
I, personally, don't think so. All you need to do to not be a criminal, is just not commit a crime. Its not the same for gay people. Even if a man never sleeps with another man, doesn't his attraction and his "sexual preference" for them make him gay? If the definition of "gay" is simply to be attracted to a person of the same sex, then for people like this, it's just who you are, not what you do.

I hate. HATE. When gays are compared to criminals. I don't see any difference WHATSOEVER between someone who is gay and myself. If anything, I see similarities. If anything, I see courage. If anything.... I would be envious of their certainty. How many people know exactly, without a doubt, who they are and what they want?

Labels aren't usually good. But if the label "gay" has ever done any good for the people that it describes... at the very least it's given them a feeling of belonging, assurance, and pride.

If I could have a single word that would describe me to the outside world, I'd love to hear it.

I love all kinds of people - Those who live lifestyles I agree with, and those who don't, because I was born this way.
I hate violence, because I was born this way.
I love controversy and challenges, because I was born this way.
Change scares me - but I would never stop it, because I was born this way.

I feel that the most purpose of my life here on Earth, is to love..... because I was born this way.

target.

2008-09-04T16:20:00.001+07:00

sometimes I'm thankful for being born an only child. you're born into a life set up for independence. I've never had the experience of a sibling standing up for me (though I had my father for that), I've never had someone to share my secrets with, and I've never been able to "catch a break" by sharing my heat with anyone else.

Safety in numbers. that's what they say isn't it? I suppose then in this case I'm the only fish in the barrel, I guess I have a target of sorts on my back then don't I?

But like i said, I'm sometimes thankful for it. I've gotten good at taking responsibility for my actions. I'm well trained in deciding what is wrong or right - for me. I resolved at a very early age to do whatever is right for me and not look back. In that case, if what I've chosen to do is wrong, at least I have my reasons. I'd rather be blamed for something I did for my own reasons, than something i did for someone else's reasons.

I've gotten good at defending myself.
My parents weren't exactly "hands on" so my own judgment is the one that I've had to trust, and use as guidelines in my life. I've done pretty well on that so far. (without a regret)

Lately though, I've been going against my better judgment on something. I've been pursuing, and persistently so, something that my mind says is foolish, and unnecessary.
My mind reminds me : "why force it? - what's in it for you? - you keep getting burned! - you have no obligations." and lastly.. "no one, and nothing, has the right to make you feel bad about yourself. you should avoid that negativity, stay in the realms that make you feel good about yourself, that's positive and productive. cut out that which is negative and destructive to you."

I believe my conscience is right. I believe that if I listen to my thoughts, at the very worst, I'll have solid reasons and defenses for doing whatever I decide to do. And at best, I'll be protecting myself from becoming affected negatively....

But of course, I haven't been following my better judgment, because to do that as a first reflex without considering the suggestions of others, would be....... arrogant. So I've listened to friends and loved ones, knowing before they spoke what they would say. And of course they suggest to "persevere", and to "endure", or to "fight back" ... And normally I'd always be all for perseverance, and toughing it out, and "not letting them get to you"... but when it's for the right cause. Determination is fantastic, when it's pointed in the right direction. It's outright stupid, when spent for the wrong reasons.

So of course, I've gotten burned over and over and over again. Which strangely doesn't seem to be enough for my loved ones to shift their views, and perhaps allow room for mine. It gets me wondering if they have my best intentions in mind or if they have their own well-intentioned selfish reasons. Whether they want me to stay around because my drama entertains them, or they just want to have me stick around for company, not considering the emotional cost for me. I don't know what it is, but I forgive them in advance.

After getting burned yet again. I've decided, its time maybe to start following what I think is best. At this point I don't think anyone can accuse me of being selfish or "drastic".

My original gameplan in this life was to stay with the positive, and be affected positively. Stay away from the negative things... have nothing to do with them.

I'm going back to that.

Afterall... the target is on my back, isn't it?

swerving in and out of the fast lane.

2008-08-28T16:21:00.002+07:00

I'm in one of those moods again today.
You know, one of those resolute, purposeful moods where I build up the gusto inside me to want to "start writing regularly in my blog again". My pessimistic, realistic self of course KNOWS this mood doesn't last. Since the only reason it's here at all anyway is because I find myself sitting at work without a thing to do... but nevertheless... I'll ride this wave as far as it takes me.

So here I am once again. I've decided to start writing my thoughts about the books I read.

this short little ditty is on "Chasing Harry Winston", by Lauren Weisberger, the author of the infamous "The Devil Wears Prada". I finished it a few weeks ago.

You know, I've found that I'm an easily influenced person. So influences such as Chasing Harry Winston, Sex and the City, L-Word, and Queer as Folk... seem to steer me in the same direction. (and as the stars would have it, I watched all the seasons of L-word last summer, and I'm working on Queer as Folk now.)
This direction, is the one facing a free (usually single) life. Free in all the ways that word was meant for in the 60's. I start wanting to live in an apartment with my girlfriends, (hopefully one or two of which are lesbians) and have those quaint little brunches spent laughing over last night's romp. I want to kiss my friends (gender, not an issue) on the lips for hello's and goodbye's. I want to go out and experience happenings that can only be aptly told later, in a Hollywood blockbuster. I want to wink at a hunk in a coffee shop and have him swagger over to me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear.
Obviously these things only happen in those books and those movies.... but this is exactly my point. I'm so easily influenced, that I start to build a mirage around myself and I submerge in those stories more than I should.

I notice this, because in the weeks after I read that book, I started reading some more grounded less "in the fast lane" sort of books.. so I notice the difference between my attitude then, and now. Of course I still use ridiculously metropolitan expressions such as "tweaked out twinkie", but I think those minor changes can be accepted as additions to my Encyclopedia.

It was a good book, very Carrie Bradshaw. A light read meant to accompany you by the side of the pool.

On another note, I bought Anna Karenina and Lolita last night. These actions pretty much prove my theory that I'm in a determined, mother Theresa sort of a mood. Diving into classics. Both Russian, I don't know if that means something... yet.

I'll be back with my thoughts on those.

my hippy oath.... for real.

2007-11-29T12:13:00.000+07:00

In the face of adversity, uncertainty and conflicting sensory information, I hereby pledge to remain ever mindful of the magical, infinite, loving reality in which I live. A reality that conspires tirelessly in my favor.

I further recognize, that living within space and time, as a Creation amongst my Creations, is the ultimate Adventure, because thoughts become things, dreams come true, and all things remain forever possible.

As a Being of Light, I hereby resolve to live, love and be happy, at all costs, no matter what, with reverence and kindness for all.......

entwined

2007-11-21T10:52:00.000+07:00

I want to tell you about our nights together. Yes, of course you were there with me. I'm sure you remember them. But I want to share with you the parts that you weren't privy to. The parts I found satisfying and symbolic.

Every hour we spend in bed, you hold me. Somehow we are entwined, the entire night. Not for one moment do you let me go, out of your grasp, beyond your touch. It is as though the other side of the bed is a world away.

I sleep with my head resting against your chest. Like I had run a race and stopped to lie on the ground, with my face cradled by the softest, sunwarmed grass. The earth underneath, your heart below, beating with life.

Each time I move away, your hand reaches out to bring me back. When a person is asleep can he know his arms are empty? How can a man far in one place summon love from another?

I had forgotten how delicious that could be, to be joined not by words or thoughts but by flesh: soft, warm, heavy. When a sigh is a sentence and a caress a paragraph.

So in return I offer you what comes out of my fingertips - my words.

They, and I, are yours..

a dedication..

2007-10-12T22:50:00.000+07:00

i'm dedicating these songs to you..... songs that i feel have some connection to where you are in life right now, songs that i think could have an affect on you in different aspects of your life.

All taken from Sia's album "Colour the Small One".

For the moments in which you find yourself tackling love head on, all its highs and lows included...... "Sweet Potato". This is for imagination and possibility.

For the moments of love in which you find yourself with him/her in mind, and the thoughts hold on to your gut relentlessly........... "Butterflies". This is for memories and nostalgia.

For the moments in which you have too much of everything. When life gives you a big plate of all the things you don't want...... when all you want, if anything, is a warm bed, a clear mind, white walls, and an empty tomorrow......... "Numb". This is for release and escape.

For the moments in life in which all you want is to be allowed to love, seeking nothing or not much in return. When compassion overtakes you and you just want to admire, and wish only to be given the chance and freedom to do so......... "Don't Bring Me Down". This is for desire and fear.

For the moments in which you're reflecting, looking down at yourself from outside your body. When you want to hear the things you need to hear, words that show someone has been watching you, observing you, empathizing with you and caring for you......... "The Bully". This is for regret and need.

And of course...... For the moments in which you long to be held, whether it be in a physical or mental realm... held by someone whose only intention is to help, love, protect, and support you. For the moments in which you wish you could confess all, when you feel like you need to breakdown, stop being strong and just fall......... to find that theres someone there to catch you............ "Breathe Me". This is for loyalty and trust. This, is for you.

drive-thru beliefs

2007-09-16T22:49:00.000+07:00

...was really quickly asked to list 5 things i believe in... this is what i wrote, thought it was interesting especially being a spontaneous answer to a subject i've never really given much analytical thought to... and definitely have never simplified into 5 concise bullet-points..

a drive-thru version of my beliefs i guess...

List 5 things you believe in:
- love
- the power and freedom in truth
- the universe is malleable to our desires and ambitions
- human devotion
- the immense influence in words with intent

The Process of My Mind..

2007-08-19T04:05:00.000+07:00

Ingelheim, Deutschland
16 August, 2007

In a cold corner of the kitchen floor, I'm sitting with a mug pressed against my lips, and a dirty ashtray set by my ankle. Looking through the steam rising from my coffee, I find myself taken by a moment of clarity... tranquility.

A clear and concise message comes to me as words form in the eye of my mind. The letters seem to fall into place with such certainty that I believe there's a force sucking them in from the farthest reaches of my mind.

"The stricture is a pale reprimand to the loveliness of the crime."

The only thing that attempts to counter the cold reaching up at me from the tiles of the floor is a small, red candle on a table across the room. It's flame dances teasingly at me, tempting me with a freedom only I can grant myself.

I have a free and unrelenting spirit, this mental prison I find myself in is of my own accord. The windows of my mind have darkened into a dull gray, the color of old, tired, steel.

My spirit beckons, "why?".

It is when this thing inside me moves, when it speaks, does my world change and my emotions shift. A smile breaks from the corners of my mouth adding a glimmer to the moisture in my eyes.

A feeling of rebellion and invincibility that could possibly be false, bubbles up inside me and again like a mantra, the silence of my voice screams inside my head........

"The stricture is a pale reprimand to the loveliness of the crime"

My mind jumps to the image of the thing that I love. I am transported to a time in my memory when I held that which I love in my arms. In this moment, this moment precisely, the commanding power of my heart is obvious. The proverbial weights drop off my shoulders, breaking the chains that bound them to me.

I think that if anyone was present, they would've witnessed the exact point in which the light returned to my face.

Somewhere between the cold shadows of this room and the blinding warmth of the thoughts I'm clutching onto, I find comfort in knowing that with all the consequences that have yet to befall me, I will always have that sanctuary with my love waiting for me -- whether it be in a spiritual or physical realm.

And I think when you acknowledge such a thing to be true, there is nothing out there capable of dampening that surge.

As I get up off the floor, I light that cigarette I've been toying with, I pour whats left of my cold coffee into the sink and I walk over to that red candle.

Now, my laugh is reminiscent of childhood falls, and as I watch the smoke lingering above the flame I've just blown out, I find its all been worth it and I need only to count the days till the line between memory and reality fades into nothing.

Taking another drag from my cigarette, I breathe in and nod... I see its all so simple, its all so disturbingly and delightfully clear.

"The stricture is a pale reprimand to the loveliness of the crime."

she..

2007-07-23T06:11:00.001+07:00

her lips, taste of flesh. not the sweetness a cliche would describe them to have, but examined more in depth you'll find that when enough time is spent on them, pushing, pulling, biting... the blood that is drawn to the surface is what sweetens your taste buds.... hinting that perhaps all that is from within her have similar tastes.

her skin, smells of an earthy concoction. It peaks your interest; first with the obvious scents of vanilla, leading you to the more mysterious and passive traces of another fragrance. your mind races with memories that this smell triggers, you close your eyes and explore different parts of her body; all the curves, the niches, the highs and lows determinedly searching for a stronger source... and only when she sweats will the aroma become clear, the illusive smell of sun, sand, sea and sugar................. coconut. her skin smells of vanilla and coconut.

her gaze, is warm and easy when it is set it on you... yet fierce, heart-stopping and sudden when she glances at you. her eyes glimmer as if to smile, when you kiss her shoulder... and shut with force begging you to continue, in other moments. when they look up at you its affection, and when they look down at you its mischief. her eyes eliminate the need for words, and they exaggerate the emotion in other "audible encouragement".

her touch, is that of an angel. she knows exactly where to touch you, how to touch you, and for how long. she paints her thoughts with her fingertips, and each pore of your body clings to her every move. her freeness releases you of your inhibitions, and her heartbeat drives you wild. silk wouldn't do justice to to describe how her thighs feel, and they seem endless leading you to the impossible curve of her hips, guiding you in all directions at once.

her breath, is both hot and cold. she has a way of breathing, that makes you believe she does so only for you. that impossible bottom lip coupled with her quick tongue shapes words that swirl in your head, without an escape. and those words, those beautifully sculpted words she puts together for you and you alone, words that you know no one could've possibly heard uttered quite so eloquently...........well, you can think of only one other thing that she does better with that mouth of hers.

her spirit, is relentless. she has passion in her thoughts, wonder in her questions, innocence in her love, persistence in her desires, truth in her beliefs, and confidence in herself. her spirit is undeniable, insatiable, indomitable, charming, and captivating. the electricity that she exudes is simply breathtaking and she............... she is intoxicating.

she takes a lifetime to taste, smell, see and hear......

but her demands are simple........ that you taste warmth on her lips, smell life on her skin, find home in her eyes, feel ease with her touch, receive youth from her breath, and discover inspiration in her spirit.

the human paradox..

2006-12-29T23:03:00.000+07:00

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, but not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to you because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind..

"Some look at the world the way it is and ask why. Others dream the world as it should be, and ask why not."

medical lingo..

2006-11-30T01:15:00.000+07:00

one of the few times i caught myself laughing my ass off at a comic...

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

...no cigar

2006-07-06T06:34:00.000+07:00

its 6:30am.. i haven't slept

**delete**

i was writing a blog about feelings of regret/jealousy/sadness that i was feeling, all derived from being less fortunate than a few of my friends.

Fuck it.. life's grand.. i've gotta get back in touch with my Zen and stop allowing the materialistic values of my environment to suck me in.

i've got my friends, and they're more than anyone could ask for. as long as i've got you guys, my lifes golden!!!

i guess sleep deprivation and staring at a laptop for 12hours straight can turn you into a somewhat lonely ascetic...

hah! depression almost got me there.. but no cigar.

Freedomland

2006-07-06T00:43:00.000+07:00

I just watched freedomland a few hours ago, it was KICKASS!!!! All of you out there who know me, know that I am quite truly a movie buff... well, i'm more like an acting buff.. but.. tomato - tomato (read:tomahtow)..

in Freedomland, the acting is brilliant!! no no, that's an understatement, it is absolutely superb. I'm probably not the most neutral judge, because I'm already completely enchanted by the talents of Samuel L. Jackson, and Julianne Moore (well hellooo clariiiice -hannibal).

Jackson pretty much stays true to character and plays an oh-too-cool detective. Much like shaft (watch yo mouth!!), samuel is so suave i almost pissed my pants.

Moore on the other hand, completely blew me away with her performance as an out-of-her-mind psycho. Now,playing a typical freak (i.e Norman Bates), isn't the biggest challenge. But in this movie, Moore convincingly portrays a mom that has TRULY cracked! I've loved her since Hannibal. (but thats mostly due to the fact that i'm head over heels for Sir Anthony Hopkins - he is my silver fox, ill probably blog about him soon). But I am now beginning to see her true talents, I'm seeing more color in her performances. From the strong-willed woman she played in Hannibal, to the witty and frantic lawyer she played in Laws Of Attraction. And now to see her completely shatter her 'hollywood starlette' persona to take on a most disturbing character. Her white-trash'esque display of a woman on the edge of self-destruction was captivating. I don't give away gold stars for acting that often..but Moore deserves some milk and cookies to go with the star i'm giving her for this movie!!!

I won't give away the story, but it involves violence, scandal, neglect, jealosy, danger, love, and of course... white policemen beating black thugs with nightsticks. I don't care what kind of movies you like, this movie has got something for everyone!! GO SEE THE MOVIE.. you won't be sorry...

Kat's kickass-o-rama movie meter : 9 /10
Kat's kickass-o-rama acting meter : 11billion/10

Cease Fire..

2006-07-05T01:56:00.000+07:00

Alright.. im going to try to stay calm and not turn this post into a ranting post. Although I will allow myself a few outbursts.

Ok, I won't go into detail about the context.. But just a few minutes ago.. after happily having a laugh with friends over my post about santa claus, I was pretty much attacked. No not physically... so you don't have to worry about that.

I'm laughing with my friends, having a good time. And for absolutely no reason someone comes up to me, and starts throwing insults and what not at me. When i got over the shock of the randomness of the whole situation, i composed myself and said "wtf?"... Still hoping that it was a joke.. ---long story short, the guy wasn't joking, rather, he was just looking for a conflict.

It got me thinking about why people get a kick out of that? I understand that ego plays into it, and it all is linked back to our primal instincts. Its the same as when bulls challenge each other for no reason other than to gain the feeling of having accomplished something by degrading someone else. Of course, we tolerate the bulls' behavior.. but when humans who supposedly are the more intelligent race, humans who are supposedly superior to other animals/beasts, humans who are supposed to have compassion... when humans do it.. I just sit there dumbfounded.

When I'm not trying to contain my anger and not stoop to their level. I just shake my head and this overwhelming feeling of disappointment comes over me. Its stupid shit like this that makes this world a less enjoyable place to live in sometimes... and what's more is that its completely unnecessary.

well.. in light of recent events.. i think this is appropriate:

This is for those people in life that surround themselves with anger, grudges and hate towards another person, in an attempt to find some sort of fake self-esteem for themselves. For those people in life that submerge themselves in trying to make your life just that much harder... i have people like that in my life.. this is for those pathetic little parasites....

"You're nothin but a fly in my soup... I pity you for having to waste your time on hatred.... And i wish you exactly what you deserve, no less, & no more."

I don't want to sound like a hippie.. but people please, for your own sakes. Don't let your fear and insecurity control your life. I believe that in the core of every human is a good soul. A pure self that remains un-tainted, yet not strong enough to fight the influences of the environment surrounding it. Don't let your fear change you into someone you don't want to be.

there's no worse feeling that looking back ten years from now, and wishing you had done it differently, because maybe you wouldn't be the person you've become. There's no worse feeling than regret.

I wish i didn't pity you.... but i do.

ho ho ho NO !!!!

2006-07-04T23:23:00.000+07:00

Alright, so I have a friend.. (please hold your applause).. his names Karim. We were chatting today, and we both had the urge to unload some creative juices. (don't point out the sexual connotation of that phrase, I see it too).. but we couldn't figure out what to write a blog about, so we gave each other a subject. Just for the hell of bitching.. here's mine..

Ok.. so I'm about to shatter a few of your most cherished childhood memories.. and no, I feel no guilt.

Santa Clause..St.Nicholas..the fat fuck dressed in red velvet. Here's my opinion of him... I think that Santa Clause has been carried from generation to generation as a desperate attempt by parents to get their kids to behave.

The thought that at the end of the year, a rosy-cheeked jolly man rewards you with the gifts you desire the most is appealing to most kids. Now after they dangle that in your face.. they slip in what they want in return.

Parent: "yep, that's right! The biggest most badassed toys you want.. but you have to behave."
Mind-fucked child: "what do you mean behave daddy?"
Parent: "well....... *sounds of distant bells jingling, and the set turns into a musical*..you better not pout, you better not cry, you better not fuck anymore of my shit up.. *records scratching, stage lights dim*
MFC: "nigga whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"
---Comrades, nothing in life is free.

Santa Claus could've existed once upon a time. Maybe he was a sweet old man who used to buy gifts for orphans during the cold bitter winter. And he remained anonymous, hence the legend formed around him. Or maybe he was well-known and his name was Nicholas Claus, and the town called him St. Nicholas...... Or maybe he was just a dirty old man, the first of the pedophiles, the start & reason for our current-day epidemic. Who knows. The fact is, he doesn't exist now.

Let me break it down for you simple-minded internet junkies..:
1. Have you ever seen a flying reindeer? and don't give me that shit about "well, you can't see air either but it doesn't mean its not there"... go suck a candy cane u twat.
2. How big does your chimney have to be? Chimneys now are pretty much just a simple exhaust system. Unless santa claus has advanced alien technology and has learned how to de-molecularize.. it aint hap'nin..
3. A bottomless happy-sack? Could you possibly fit 5 billion toys in one red sack? This is also assuming that every kid is asking for one toy, I'm not even taking into account the selfish assholes asking for 2 gifts.. or GOD FORBID 3...
4. Around the world in 80..minutes? If Santa can go around the world, climb in and out of chimneys, and eat all the damn cookies and milk that was set out for him in one night. NASA would've blown his ass up on the way to Mars already.

I know, I know.. I should've left this subject alone. Because in a world like today.. we all need a warm thought like santa to make us feel warm and fuzzy in times of need. well.......
I AGREE...... SO BLAME KARIM!! HE MADE ME DO IT... what an ass he is huh?

I are a patriotic American..

2006-07-04T21:49:00.000+07:00

I guess considering the direction the US of A is headed to nowadays.. I'd probably be tarred and feathered if I didn't post a blog like this....

Long Live America!!!
Happy 4th of July ya'll... ya'll come back now yahear?!!!

If you're an american.. try to ignore the lack of effort i put into this..

Lies.. All Lies.....

2006-07-04T20:52:00.000+07:00

You know when you're 5.. and you're eating soup or something. Most humans would pick out the potatoes, and meat, chicken.. whatever. Then maybe, just maybe.. if you're a fat little shit - you'll eat the carrots...

why do we choose to consume this strange orange root? because its been burned into our sub-conscious since we were able to mutter out the words "mahmah".. that carrots are good for your eyes.

now at 5, you're parents can also tell you that meatballs are made from cows eyes, or rat meat.. and you'd believe them!! When in actuality, meatballs are just expensive, not toxic.

Now just recently.. I was reminded of this whole carrot-myth. My parents used to tell me, "well, have you ever seen a bunny with glasses?".. at 5 my reaction was "huh.. no, i haven't.. well shit on my face and call me grandma..they're on to something!!"... Now my reaction is more like "what the motherfuck?"..... rabbits shit in pellets too but i don't see you doing that!!!!

Now I realise i should just shut up and say "well, if its good enough for bugs.. its good enough for me".. screw bugs bunny.. bugs bunny lives in a hole.

Ok, so the truth is carrots contain vitamin A. and A lack of vitamin A can cause things like blindness. But i think my 5 year-old self would've appreciated hearing that instead of being belittled and lied to. Then i could've just gone out and bought myself some Vitamin A pills... win-win no?

You know, I think that this could be part of the reason why little kids hate vegetables so much. Somewhere in our sub-conscious, we probably know our parents are lying to us, even at that young age. Maybe we take out our contempt of being lied to on the carrots and broccoli. They force us to eat that stuff to "better our vision",but seriously.. how much better can an eyesight of a 5 year-old get? Wtf do they expect, we start seeing through walls? So just for the hell of it, we rebel in our later years and spend hours and hours in front of the computer and t.v JUST to fuck up our eyes. "HELL YEAH MOM, take THAT! I'm 14 and legally blind!! So much for those carrots huh bitch!!!"

I have a theory that little kids are actually geniuses deep in their pea-sized brains. I just haven't been able to prove it yet. But seriously, i think we're all born as geniuses... And the reason why we grow up to be the fucktards that we are is once again, because of our parents. How do you expect us to excel and fulfill our potential if you talk to us in gibberish for the first 3 years of our life?!!?! "ohh aren't you just the cutest wittle baby?? huh? my widdle shnugleboofskie? oh i wov you.. i wooov you my poopoopikachu.."

Then they LOVE it when we say "babaah" instead of bottle.. I think that toddlers are perfectly capable of saying "gimme my bottle before i doobie-slap ur face"... but why go through the effort, when we get the same effect by saying "babaah"?? We're not stupid, just lazy shits... and remain that way till present day.

*sigh*... if you need a licence to drive a piece of lifeless machinery.. why the fuck don't we test moms and dads-to be ? We should start issuing parenting licenses, test them first.. give them a watermelon to carry around for a month. I bet they'd think twice about having kids!! Then maybe, just maybe.. the world wouldn't be overpopulated!

See... I just solved the biggest 60 year-old problem on earth, in less than 10minutes... that's called applying yourself..

AND I DIDN'T EVEN EAT ANY CARROTS TODAY!!

- one -

2006-07-04T20:27:00.000+07:00

one of the most beautiful things about Earth is the diversity of it. Unfortunately that's also what causes most of our problems, - our differences. In a perfect world not only would we accept each other along with the differences, but we'd love and embrace them for it. It's a shame that most of us take a defensive stance against those who are different.

On the other hand, the conflicts that we go through in life, no matter how big or small, make us better people..stronger people,less vulnerable and less fragile. But along with those traits, we become less trusting and more stubborn.

I wasn't dealt the best hand in life, but i appreciate the things that have happened to me and still are happening. I've gained a lot from my own mistakes. and I've also gained a lot from being forced to live a type of life that i did not choose. Because I know when it comes time to take charge of my life, i'll be better equipped.

So in a way, i'm happy that the world has the balance that it does, the euphoric highs, as well as the devastating lows. The only thing that i would change is the way people view conflicts...if only they would look at the problems they have as a lesson, something to learn from. instead of a reason to hurt others.

How beautiful would it be if the world could grow together? Grow and learn new things.... together. We wouldn't have all these super-rich countries vs. the poor 3rd World countries. Because we'd stop looking at it as countries.. we'd look at ourselves as a whole, a big family.. living on the same rock. Instead of instinctually picking a side, we need to learn to accept. Constructive criticism is only constructive if you know how to take it. Look within yourself and work out your problems, whats so bad about getting criticised if it makes you a better person? don't we all strive to be better?

Wouldn't it be beautiful if when countries give money to a place like aceh, they wouldn't expect anything back? Pure generosity for one another. Simply because you'd want it to happen to you. Treat everyone around you as if they were your father, or mother, brother or sister.

We haven't found another planet to live on yet, so learn to forgive the people here. You'll be stuck with them for at least 70years.

fear is what turns arguments into wars. love is what turns arguments into a smile, a laugh.. followed by "ok.. you're right, we'll try it like that"...

but for that to work, someones got to suck it up and actually say those words.. take the first step. I'm willing to do that... i wish more people would.